Bet THAT got your attention, right?
It’s the only solution (see that little asterisk thing as to why the is no REAL solution) to the namesake problem discussed in this blog – people driving too slowly in the left lane.
Let’ first address what causes this malady of the pavement. More often than not, it is drivers of advanced age, who are certain, at some point in what’s left of their life, they will be making a left turn off of the road they now travel. Not within the next mile or so, mind you, or perhaps even within this state (especially as most states do not have left-side exits off their interstates). It could well be that they will come to a fork in the road, and instead of stopping to pick it up so as not to cause tire-punctures on drivers behind them (note – they are NOT aware there are drivers behind them), they will ultimately take a fork to the left as they proceed on toward their destination).
And we cannot blame the good folks who make GPS devices. They never say “In 58.5 miles you will need to be in the left-hand lane to merge left.” No, they do not make you aware of such a necessary lane change until, quite correctly, 4-5 miles before the alteration in road path needs to be taken.
Perhaps it is (and I have thought this more than once) that they see the left lane is less populated, and they, in their land yachts, feel less intimidated having fewer cars around them – so they shift over there to avoid such “congestion.” Thankfully, California (and some other states), have HOV lanes to the far left, allowing those with two or more people traveling in the same vehicle (thus High Occupancy Vehicle – HOV) – giving the drivers of said autos the benefit of a less-congested lane, as they are reducing their carbon footprint by ride-sharing. Great idea! However, you will still catch our ominpresent Slow Left-Laners even attempting use of that lane, when solo rambling, because it looks even LESS congerous (congested and thus dangerous).
Look, this is how it’s laid out, assuming a 3-lane highway with an additional far left HOV lane:
- RIGHT LANE – slowest speed (though these vehicles SHOULD at least be traveling the posted speed limit, and not 10 miles under, with their road maps unfurled across the entire front seat of the vehicle, with the radio turned off – because you can’t find an address if you have music blaring in your ears), and the only time these vehicles should be slowing down is if there is an emergency services vehicle approaching from the rear and they need to yield the lane [as I have mentioned In blogs past, many BAD drivers interpret the SPEED LIMIT sign as indicating the fastest speed you should ever travel on the highway, and thus easing off the accelerator to go 10 miles slower than said posted limit is perfectly acceptable – NO IT’S NOT!!!!!!!];
- “MIDDLE” LANE – this lane is generally used by people fed up with the crappy driving practices of those freshly-lobotomized “drivers” in the right lane mentioned earlier – they are not out to set land speed records, nor are they adding a couple of digits to their speedometer to impress the ladies (or guys) – they are simply speeding up just a bit in order to get around the maroons driving in the right lane as if they were on the way to a funeral and THEY were the corpse – they will likely return to the right lane once they have cleared the impudent impedence caused by those driving-slower-than-walking;
- LEFT LANE – much to the chagrin of those 10-mph-less-than-the-posted-speed-limit drivers in the right lane, these folks stated purpose is to drive several miles per hour ABOVE the posted speed limit. They live life on the razor’s edge, often considering themselves the Mad Maxes of the interstate system (it’s also far less bumpy in that lane, as less vehicles have driven it over and over again, thus breaking down the pavement laid down every year by sixteen guys – when only 4 would suffice – so that the state can continue receiving funds for their road infrastructure every year, to do the same thing over and over); and,
- HOV LANE – this has been properly described hereabove, and despite the fact that it should not be part of this equation, even though it does reduce congestion in all 3 of the other lanes, it is often abused by the REALLY bad Right-Laners who do not understand its intended purpose – they are simply mumbling to themselves (“Gotta watch Wopner… these are definitely not my underwear…”). And wibbling and wobbling across multiple lanes to get in a lane they believe is tailor-made for them results in even more danger.
And, let’s not forget the Domino Effect they cause (not the bounty hunter, made hot by Keira Knightley). L\Slowpokes in the left lane force our aforementioned razor’s edge drivers into the middle lane, where their frustration is further fueled to the point of road rage. And those guys frighten the timid right lane drivers, who slow down even further, for fear of being PITT-maneuvered by drivers far superior to them. And soon all lanes trickle back, leaving you, 2.7 miles back in .3 MPH traffic wondering what horrific bus-of-schoolchildren-collided-with-a-napalm-tanker-truck accident you’re doing to see when you finally reach the point of rubber necking. And then, when you finally get to that point? Nothing? No wreckage, no bodies, no rubber marks on the road, no smashed marmosets, no NOTHING!! Does this ignite your own road rage? You damn skippy!!
And so, this is the perfect segue for the blowdarting Amazonians… right? I think marmosets come from the Amazon. Or, if they don’t, they should.
Anyway, our friendly dart-blowers (blowdarters?) would patrol the inner and outer shoulders of major interstate systems (The inner, you say? Why the inner? Have you forgotten the HOV violators?). This negates the need for firearm-wielding fanatics sniping crappy drivers off the highway (though I know the lines would be around the block to sign up for those positions), as well as explosive blowouts, endangering other drivers.
These blowdarters (yes, I’ve decided, I like blowdarters better than dartblowers) are trained, almost from birth, to develop deadly accuracy with even the simplest of implements. They can take down a marmoset at 50 yards. Just think what they could do to steel-belted radials? Brilliant, right?
Of course, the alternative would be to equip them with poison darts, permanently ridding the highways of these menaces to middle and left land drivers.
*Of course, we’d really have to crank up poison tree frog reproduction…