It has been too long since I last contributed to this blog, and it’s certainly not because anyone has gotten better at driving, parking, or otherwise wielding an automobile. I simply let my typing lapse, and it remains to be seen whether I shall do so again immediately following this post.YOU SUCK AT PARKING1

In any event, I wanted to update those very few followers of this blog of my latest “notice” to horrific parking lot abusers. Here you will see the front of a 2-sided card, which I usually place under a windshield wiper, or tucked into the driver’s-side window. Now, naturally, they see this from a distance and think to themselves, “Oh brother, somebody’s plastered the parking lot with some patriotic crap.” If they were to peruse their companion parkers, they would doubtless notice that they (the offender) were the ONLY car to receive this ostensibly-patriotic notice. It’s only when they get close enough to pluck said card from its resting place and actually read the text that they realize what it REALLY is…

The original version of this card was much simpler, had no James Montgomery Flagg Uncle Sam thereupon, was not festooned with patriotic colors, etc, but when it came time to replace the ever-dwindling batch of the previous supply (believe me, when people find out I have these, a box of 500 disappears quite rapidly, as my minions spread these out everywhere, albeit judiciously), I decided the new card needed a bit more “punch.”

YOU SUCK AT PARKING2So, in addition to just notifying them of their egregious mockery of carefully-painted parking space lines, I thought I would further explain the reasoning behind the card (which assumes, perhaps presumptively, that the driver can actually READ – mayhaps someone else in the car can read it to him or her as needed). I intentionally made the text compact and unique, so the reader would have to WORK at “deciphering” all that it says. While I provide the example herein, I will assume you are not an offending offensive offender, and so I quote you the back side of the card unabridged and unexpurgated:

    “You either: Parked too close, leaving no room to get in my car; Parked crooked[ly], making it impossible to get out; Took up 2 spaces when you could have taken 1; Parked in an idiotic spot and blocked my exit. It’s as if you were blindfolded while a crazed ferret clawed at your privates, and thus your bull-headed, inconsiderate, feeble attempt has caused you to take up enough room for a 20 mule team, 2 elephants, 1 goat, and a safari of Pygmies from the African interior, thus being a dipshit in general. In the future, you may think of someone else, other than yourself. May the fleas of 1,000 camels infest your armpits.
    “Oh, and BTW, I posted a picture of your parking skills on the internet for everyone to see.”

While I could likely drone on ad nauseum with additional commentary on the driver’s questionable birth parents, or stooped to an endless string of words usually represented in mass market comic strips as “%*&~$#@+^,” I opted instead not to lower myself any closer to the driver’s obvious 1-digit IQ score.

I hope that, reading this, you develop your own version of this card/notice, keeping several with you in your own vehicle at all times. You may be surprised (initially, but not for long) at how many of these you will end up handing out. My last order from the printer was for 1,000 of these jewels, and while I do pass some out to relatives and close friends/associates, I have strategically placed more than my fair share of these notices, in hopes that ONE day, it will have an effect on even ONE of the drivers so notified.

Well, I can always hope…